iosonochesono: (HA! Helga Rockin' Out)
([personal profile] iosonochesono Jul. 28th, 2017 12:10 am)
This week I'm planning to go to San Diego, instead of Long Beach. I bought tickets to an event in the evening, so during the day I'm trying to get events lined up down there.

I really wanted to do paragliding. That was the main reason I was looking into San Diego. But I can't really afford it this week. Especially because I'd want the photo and video package (I think I mentioned earlier this year about learning that people who see themselves less tend to have poorer self esteem? So I was trying to make sure there were more photos of myself available. But I'm not motivated enough to take a lot of photos of myself.)

So I was thinking there's probably a lot of other activities down there. Kayaking. Surfing. I saw an archery group that does lessons Saturday. I'll just make a day of it.




I think I'm going to remove myself from all groups near where I live and instead focus on groups in the Los Angeles/Long Beach area, as a means of trying to figure out where I'd be interested in moving. I'm not sure I really want to live in Long Beach, though. If I want to keep working where I'm working and potentially go to school in Long Beach, I may want to find a city that serves as a midway point.
iosonochesono: (Simpsons: Hipster Lisa)
([personal profile] iosonochesono Jul. 27th, 2017 08:02 am)
I was thinking about how much driving all the way to San Diego or Long Beach to do a 5k would suck on a weekly basis. I may go Saturday, but that's a very long excursion to do more than once per month - bi-weekly at most. And a lot of these races are a few dozen dollars each to register.

Then I thought: what if I tried to start my own local 5k?

At first I was thinking I could try and start a work-specific one - which would be geared toward people in the store. But instead what if I did "Shopping Center Sprinters" and basically invited anyone in the vicinity to come out for a weekly run? And if people actually tried showing up, eventually I could try to collect really small dollar amounts (e.g. 1-5) for prizes?




I've been looking up room renting and found places that go as low as $450/month if you're willing to share a room. It might be an option temporarily for living independently of any family members (and for trying to test out if I like living in an area or not.)

So, knowing I can find places in my budget, it then becomes about paying off any debts and getting rid of unnecessary material possessions.
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marina: (Default)
([personal profile] marina Jul. 27th, 2017 03:33 pm)
Everything is super hectic and I've slept for 7 hours total in the last 48, and everything is kind of reaching a boiling point that will basically be "resolved" by me going to London (LONDON LONDON LONDON!), but something happened and I feel the need to record.

Almost exactly a year ago, I handed in the first draft of my MA thesis. And my adviser responded, in his usual overall polite way, that the document I sent him, that I took a week off work for, that I wrote for 6 days straight from morning till night, was not even worthy of being called a first draft. It was a first attempt that needed to be scrapped entirely.

Partially this feedback was softened by a phone conversation we later had, where he assured me he believes in me, and these flaws are all fixable, but for a good few days all I had in my head were his written comments, which basically boiled down to "I thought you were a normal person?? but you are apparently a trash fire that should never have been accepted into grad school????"

It was an awful, awful sort of feedback to get, definitely the most demoralizing moment I've ever had in academia. (And like, I triple majored in undergrad, and in grad school finished a course load that was intended for 4 semesters minimum, in 3 semesters. While working FULL TIME in an unrelated field. None of this means I'm good at original research, but getting the "who do you even think you are? clearly you're totally unfit" feedback was really fucking painful.)

Anyway, it's been a year. I spent 5 days straight rewriting the draft. My adviser spent over 6 months not replying to me. (I contacted him after a month, he politely told me to sit down and shut up, I contacted the department 5 months after that, and he responses with "oh no! I totally forgot about you! sorry".

When he finally replied, he told me this rewritten version was about 70% done. Going from a first draft that was ZERO percent done, according to him, to a second draft that was 70%... well. Let's just say I think his initial reaction was WILDLY exaggerated, but you know. Ugh.

I worked evenings and weekends and finally took 2 more days off work, and wrote a new draft, based on his comments. I got it done in the MINIMUM amount of time he allowed. Like, I wanted to submit a revised version 2 weeks after he sent me the comments, but he insisted he was busy and wouldn't read it for 2 months at least. I submitted it on the FIRST DAY he said he'd accept it.

It has been 6 more weeks! He's gotten back to me with comments. I was SO NERVOUS because a lot of his feedback didn't make sense to me, and he wouldn't answer questions, and I was like, I'm going to bring that 70% back down, aren't I? I mean I was a failure on draft #1, maybe this second version was a fluke. I have NO IDEA whether what I'm doing will really improve things.

Anyway. The verdict is in. He has comments and things he wants me to fix and change, obviously, but in the email he sent me? He started it with: "You have written a highly engaging, well-built thesis.

He ended it with: "Your current version is very strong," before listing a few more minor things he'd like to improve.

I'm doing grad school in between work, and trying to unfuck my health, and an attempt at a fiction writing career, and so I never anticipate how much it affects me.

Getting this email was such sweet, sweet vindication. That's right, I fucking did it. I wrote a thing that you admit is GOOD, from 2 drafts back when you were basically calling it garbage.

There are things I'm way more proud of in my life, even in the last year. I don't know why this feels like such an achievement. I'm sure it doesn't seem like that big of a deal to anyone else.

But I feel like I have been clawing at grad school until my fingers are bloody for the past 3 years at least. I've fought to cling to it, to keep up, to get it fucking done, through being homeless multiple times, through essentially becoming paralyzed to the point where I spent 95% of the time I wasn't spending at my full time job lying in bed. Through writing original fiction, which already took every second of my mental energy and the 5% of the time I could actually function.

I've clawed and clawed at this, and it's felt so uncertain, and the journey has been so long, and literally everyone I began my degree with has given up by now, half of them quit the program and the other half declined to write a thesis.

But I wanted this thing, for whatever arbitrary reason (its usefulness to my life will be zero, have no doubt) and I clung, like someone trying to scale a smooth wall with their bare hands, and somehow I managed.

I still have a revised draft to submit, of course. I'll take so long, and be so hard, and take up time I'd rather spend writing fiction. And who knows when/if I'll actually be allowed to submit? (I mean, god willing October? But who knows)

But I wanted to stop and appreciate this moment. The point at which this thesis is actually good enough to submit.

For a while, I wasn't sure I'd get here.
iosonochesono: (MLP: Super Happy/Excited)
([personal profile] iosonochesono Jul. 26th, 2017 10:02 pm)
So, I want to work on doing adventurous things every weekend, and was thinking about trying to do paragliding this weekend. But I think it makes more sense to do a big thing every-other-weekend.

There's a 5k in Long Beach this weekend and since I'm considering trying to move up to Long Beach in March, I thought maybe I should start trying to get to the 5ks out there, explore the area. (Plus, it's a relatively inexpensive 5k.)

Maybe have a plan where every-other-week or so, I do something bucket-list big. (That's when I get a paycheck from both jobs.) Though it's not like I could even think to do that every week. Eventually, what will happen is things will get cheaper, because instead of doing it as tandem or part of a lesson I'll be doing it solo or with groups. Paragliding tandem is expensive, but paragliding by oneself is cheap. Skydiving in tandem is expensive, if I learn to skydive solo it's cheap. Rinse and repeat. Surfing lessons are expensive. Going out to the beach with a bodyboard and surfboard on my own? Pretty cheap.

So I'll spend more some weeks, and other weeks will get closer and closer to dirt cheap.

I've also decided I want to push the CNA and TEFL/CELTA specifically this year. I'm considering moving to Long Beach... But I may also just see if I can get teaching jobs out of the country.

Patrick really wants to do TEFL himself. Jessica was considering it. So it'd be something I could get into where I wasn't necessarily going it alone.


In today's episode of "My brother destroys everything he touches" - he does this to all his technology. This was part of the damage from the other day.

I remember this thing talking about abuse in a book - I think it was Why Does He Do That? or rather, a quote from that book in another book - and the doctor asking a patient whether their partner broke all things, or just hers. And it was pointed out that this was evidence of his conscientiousness and abuse - he was never enraged enough to actually lose all control and start breaking all the things in the house. He only attacked hers.

Well, in line with my brother being mentally ill as opposed to straight-up abusive... He destroys a lot of his own shit. Most of the stuff he was throwing was his own.
iosonochesono: (TPATF: Fray)
([personal profile] iosonochesono Jul. 26th, 2017 01:03 am)
I'm not sure how far I am through the ReActivate course (textbook.) A lot of it I remember. Some of it I need to review. Some things I need to review a lot.

I'm excited at the idea of becoming involved in the local dive community. I only hope I can start getting involved in 5k runs, as well. The main problem with running is that finding the time to train with two jobs is hard.




Learning about codependency has been really hard. I feel weary. I think of things I've tried to control so long and have finally stopped trying to control them. I think of all the ways I've let myself be a doormat over the years. I hurt over people I lost - either because I pushed them and hurt them, or because I imagined we were closer and more intimate than we were and opened up too hard and too fast.

I've cried a lot the last week. It hasn't all been bad. There's been a lot of thinking about the ways I isolated myself, the way I pushed people away, all the ways I became a husk and tried to fill my identity by attaching myself to another person. People I hurt specifically because I wanted to make sure they were never in my life again. People I've neglected because I was so worried what they thought of me. That stuff hasn't been pleasant. Of those things, the most harrowing has been Memo, because Memo really never did anything really wrong. It just sucked that he found his soulmate when he did.

There's been a lot of confusion - a lot of attempted thought as to who I am, what I like. That feeling, the feeling of being empty or blank. It's a sign of depression and codependency. Undeveloped or neglected self. If I don't know, it's a chance to look for experiences.

The more I stop letting other people be an excuse for why I don't do things - surf, hike, skydive, bungee jump, paraglide, SCUBA dive, etc. - the better I feel. And in the same vein, I've stopped being a perfectionist. I'm not waiting to be 120LBS before starting to dive again. I'll continue to try and be healthier and stronger. But I am going to get back into diving now.

I cut a lot of people from FaceBook, and plan to cut more. If we don't talk or hang out, we're not friends, and I don't want to pretend to be friends with people. I want to work on being the person I am.




Some people at work are really mad that I went skydiving without inviting them. It's really funny, because I kept inviting people skydiving over the last year. And people kept making excuses for why they couldn't go.

And a lot of these people don't invite me anywhere. Or they bail. They don't invite me to parties, they don't invite me clubbing, they bail on running or hiking.

I don't feel like bringing people along with me on adventures when we don't even do day-to-day conversations. I don't want to take someone sky-diving if they're not someone I feel I can talk to about what goes on in my home.

So I won't.

Maybe I will invite people, eventually. But I feel like if I can't even count on you for a jog, why should I count on you to travel or go on adventures with? I mean, there's a lot of 'let it happen' and 'go with the flow' mentality when discussing codependency and trying to establish more relationships and bond with others so you're not relying too much on a small network. But it just seems stupid for people to expect me to invite them along on the big outings when we don't do small stuff together. Like. The people you're supposed to do the adventurous stuff with are supposed to be people you already do the little things with.
iosonochesono: The Rachel Maddow Show (Political: Rachel Maddow Show Sign)
([personal profile] iosonochesono Jul. 25th, 2017 03:09 pm)
The PADI ReActivate course is (currently) really common-sense. Then I just have to go by the dive shop I made my 'home' dive shop and see about getting dives set up with a Master Diver.

My thought is I'll 'ReActivate' all my past certifications first, then see if I can knock them all out in the same few dives. (I only had three.) Then I'll start getting involved with the dive clubs in Orange County.

Then after that I want to start doing specialty courses - especially wreck diver and cavern diver. But I'll probably focus on a few of the easier ones first, e.g. Underwater photography.




The flight school responded to tell me they don't sell dollar-value gift certificates online but if I visit them I can get a dollar-value gift certificate there. So what I'll do is go down there to do a tandem flight, and each time I do, I'll have $200-$400 to put on a gift certificate toward the P1 + P2 certification combo.




I was thinking about trying to apologize to Jordan and telling him he really doesn't need to avoid me at work. Like, my feelings will recover (I think they would have already if it hadn't been his avoidance at work.)

But I'd already told him that. So instead I guess I'll just try to practice MYOB: Mind Your Own Business. Eventually he'll either stop avoiding me, or one of us won't work in the shopping center anymore.




In the meantime... Time to go to work.
iosonochesono: (DP: You and I (Sam to Danny))
([personal profile] iosonochesono Jul. 23rd, 2017 02:29 pm)
Kevin, "Can you take me to Target?"
Me, "Okay, let's go now so I can sleep before my night shift."
Me, "Hey can you hide your [pot]? It's poisonous to cats."
Kevin, "No it's not."
Me, "Yes it is, you can look it up online."
Kevin, "Never mind, I don't even wanna go to CostCo and Target. I don't want to deal with the stress. I don't need this third degree."
Me, "I wasn't giving you the third degree, I was asking you to keep the pot--"
Kevin, "NEVER MIND."



Thirty Minutes Later After I've Come Home




Kevin, "Mind taking me to the gas station?"
Me, "You asked me to take you to Target. I agreed, and you changed your mind. I'm sorry you're stressed out, but I'm home now and planning to sleep before work."

And... Now he's screaming at everyone and throwing stuff. But maybe he'll realize this constant yanking on my chain is inappropriate. I'm not sure how much this works when the drug/alcohol abuser you're dealing with someone who ALSO has a personality and mood disorder.

He doesn't get it. We don't want him gone. We want him to get help. But letting his mood swings dictate all our decisions is not a solution.

In the 'getting out of this living situation' - since paying half the rent didn't work in giving me a better say in my living situation and Dad still forced us to let Kevin move back in - I'm thinking I could try moving to Anaheim? There's an ROP nursing program there, I wouldn't have to quit any job, and it's a good halfway point to Long Beach, too, which is where the CNA courses are hosted.

Room-searching scares me though. Lots of creepy advertisements. Then again, it can't be that much worse than living with my brother. Except the ads looking to rent a room 'for free' in exchange for being an 'FWB.'

Like... I know most men are not disgusting, most people are generally good (or at least well-intentioned), etc.

But there are some doozies when you're looking at ads searching for roommates.
bookchan: endless sky (Default)
([personal profile] bookchan Jul. 23rd, 2017 01:57 pm)
It only took a couple more months than it should have, but I finally fixed the door knob and it shouldn't fall off anymore when using it. Of course the handle that replaced it, isn't quite the same as the old one and I need to make the bottom screw hole slightly bigger. Still progress!

Was in Seattle for the past week and it's amazing how much easier it is to walk a mile there. I spend the last week walking 2-3 miles most days without an issue. I come back and try to walk a mile and it's a struggle. Not sure if it's the humidity, my feet being sore or what. Not fun.

Started talking with the local fertility doc and hoping to start artificial insemination in Sept. I'm going to try for 2 months and then if not successful I'll wait till next summer I think.
iosonochesono: (TPATF: Ambitious)
([personal profile] iosonochesono Jul. 23rd, 2017 01:14 am)
So I was looking at bungee jumping tomorrow, or paragliding, but then I decided I didn't want to do things that would take hours of my day and make me tired for work that night.

Which is too bad, because it was so tempting.

Instead I'm going to try to go rock climbing tomorrow, and study up the certifications I'm 'ReActivating.'

I'd like to work on backpacking too. I was thinking I could start getting the gear, going to one of the local campsites on the weekend, and practice basics. Then I could do trips when I feel comfortable with the gear and believe I can make it a few days without running back to town.
iosonochesono: (Default)
([personal profile] iosonochesono Jul. 21st, 2017 04:35 pm)
I am literally taking the SCUBA refresher WHILE waiting to be suited up to skydive. #multitasking
dbskyler: (Bill smile)
([personal profile] dbskyler Jul. 21st, 2017 04:21 pm)
I'm still working on my French, and while it's definitely improved, I still have a very long ways to go. As a lark, I thought I would try to translate one of my old drabbles into French. "How hard could it be?" I thought. But wow, it was so hard! I wore out Google Translate checking translations and back-translations, and I think the result might possibly make sense, but I'm not sure. Anyway, if any of you speak French and want to check it out, it's here:

http://archiveofourown.org/works/11571129

I have also been seeking out French videos to watch / listen to, and I came across this slightly terrifying one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pJMNZLw-XA

I kind of wish I had a video of my face as I slowly managed the translation and figured out what it's about.
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iosonochesono: (Avatar TLA: Toph Escatic)
([personal profile] iosonochesono Jul. 20th, 2017 04:49 pm)
I booked a skydiving trip for tomorrow!!

I'd been waiting to go in Monterey (world's highest tandem dive) but I'll try later in the year.

I'm also thinking about surfing lessons. I'd been wanting to a while. But I have two days off this week.

Then I'm also trying to figure out where I want to take photos this weekend.
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marina: (Default)
([personal profile] marina Jul. 19th, 2017 03:03 pm)
I've been so busy, and so focused on spending my free-time-to-write on original projects, that I feel like I want to talk to people on Dreamwidth but don't really have anything to write a post about.

So let's start with the essentials, which is two friends who are currently in need of a bit of help.

[personal profile] kuwdora, who makes amazing vids, is taking vid commissions to help pay for a career development opportunity.

...and it seems the other friend has reached their financial goal for the thing they needed, which I saw halfway through writing this entry, so. Please consider helping out kuwdora!

*

I'm busy planning London things (when I'm not busy doing other things). I've bought contact lenses for the first time in my life (putting them in and out is AWFUL but having them in is pretty wonderful). I finished watching "The Handmaid's Tale" and the "Game of Thrones" premiere and feel weirdly similarly about both.

Sunday was picking up my contacts and hunting for a birthday gift for a friend and getting stuff from the pharmacy and overall I got home from work around 8:30pm. Monday was pilates at 5pm, followed by my roommate's friends coming over at 9pm for Game of Thrones. Tuesday was going to buy new walking shoes (mine have holes in them and I need something for London), and because I needed a specialized store I yet again came home at like 9pm.

Today is going to be swimming (because my pilates class was canceled), followed by an optometrist appointment.

Basically just really, really long days. I've mostly been spending my weekends doing fuck all because of it, lol.

Anyway, I'm looking for ideas for what to do in London. So far I have the staples (places I've been and can always happily spend time in):
- british museum
- V & A

Potentially interesting but also maybe kind of boring (I have a friend who'd LOVE both of these but for me they're kind of "oh ok" sort of options):
- tour of parliament
- tour of buckingham palace

plays (I have to pick one):
- Matilda in the west end
- Much Ado About Nothing at the globe
- Queen Anne at heymarket (I do love Romola Garai)

Other than that I have: walking around various parks. LOL.

There's definitely loads more to do in London, but I feel like I've done the more obvious touristy stuff (Sherlock Holmes house, the eye, transport museum (LOL I know this is less obviously touristy, but I liked it)) and the less obvious stuff I'm not familiar with?

(I've always wanted to do the loo tour, ever since meeting the owner/tourguide at a party, but it seems every time I'm in London the times don't work out ;_;)

Anyway, suggestions for stuff to do are very welcome!
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dbskyler: (Thirteenth Doctor)
([personal profile] dbskyler Jul. 18th, 2017 12:58 am)
Seriously funny video made in reaction to the news of the casting of the Thirteenth Doctor:



"At least tell me she'll only be making 79 cents on the dollar of what Peter Capaldi is being paid."
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dbskyler: (Eleven smile)
([personal profile] dbskyler Jul. 17th, 2017 02:14 pm)
I am so incredibly thrilled! I have seriously never, ever, been so excited about the casting of a new Doctor.

Anyone know where I can get an icon of the 13th Doctor? Surely, someone somewhere has screencapped that BBC announcement video?
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